I always said I would be done having kids by the time I was
30. I’m sure when I’m nearing 40 I will laugh at
myself about my need to accomplish things before I’m “30,” like it was some
sort of ending point of my youth. Maybe
it is and maybe it isn’t, but regardless I’m staring down the barrel of that anticipated birthday and I see an exciting share of new beginnings
for me! I always said I would be done
“having” kids before I was 30 and well….I am.
I am not going to take any more pregnancy tests, suffer through 9 long months
and one more C-section to deliver a third perfectly beautiful child. And I am totally at peace with that. But I don’t feel like I am done having
kids.
When Clint and I were engaged, we had always talked about having
three or four kids. Of course as most
couples soon realize, life gets in the way of plans. I had a pretty easy time getting pregnant
with our first and complications of pre-ecclampsia at the end resulted in a C-section. I had no second thoughts of wanting more
children and we started trying again after our beautiful little girl turned
one. After 9 months I had a pregnancy end
in an early miscarriage. It was an
emotional time for me, but I also knew well that this was a fairly common occurrence. My own mother had several miscarriages and I
knew it was a sad part of a woman’s life sometimes. We cried, we prayed and then we tried
again. Right away we got pregnant with
our second child. Another easy beginning
and at 36 weeks after months of complications, hospital stays, more tests than
I care to remember, bed rest and a second C-section, the Lord gave me a healthy
and BIG baby boy.
I love being a mom to
my two children. I get frustrated and
discouraged like any other mama, and I have days that I wonder how I will ever
manage, but the Lord always leads me through them. At the end of every day I am blessed and
doing what I knew I always wanted to do.
When I was too young to know any better and was asked what I wanted to
be when I grew up I would always say “a helicopter pilot!” I have no idea why or what I was thinking and
if you know me at ALL, you know I HATE to fly.
But once I had a better grasp of myself and the world around me I knew I
wanted to be a wife and a mom. I met my
husband when I was 17 and even through college I knew I was just buying time
for some “future career” after I was done raising my kids. I knew then what the Lord had called me to
do. And after one glance at each of my new babies I have been affirmed that is
EXACTLY what I am supposed to do. I have
been determined ever since to do the best I possibly can to raise my children
to love the Lord, to love each other and be well rounded and healthy. I love being mommy. I love the little hands that hold mine to
cross the street and wrap around my neck when their tired. I love the dirty little feet that provide
giggles when we scrub them in the tub. I
love the messy smiles, squeals of joy, and even the scraped knees that send the
kids running for mommy…because you know mommy kisses fix ouches better than
anyone’s! I love the little lips that
even while sleeping provide the softest, sweetest kisses in the world. I love providing for them, teaching them and
helping them. I never thought I would be
doing all this with a husband who travels so frequently but even on the tough
days when I’ve had enough of the whining and fighting and daddy isn’t coming
home that night to rescue us; the Lord somehow gets me through. When I start to “handle it” on my own without
prayer and petition before the Lord, I notice I am quick to fly off the handle;
start yelling and saying things I swore I would never say to my kids. If that early 20’s me were to see me
sometimes now she would just shake her head.
A few years after having our sweet boy we began to pray
about having one more. I have to say
that it was a big struggle and big decision for me considering the complicated
pregnancies I had before. Clint said all
along that he would support me in whatever decision I made because it was my
body at risk. Knowing the potential of what
I faced, I still felt like I wasn’t done having babies. I felt like the Lord had another child
waiting to call me mommy. After a year
of trying to conceive I finally took a positive pregnancy test. After 10 weeks we thought we were clear of
danger and began telling family and close friends our news. It was a little too soon. At nearly 11 weeks we found out it was not a
viable pregnancy. I cried and prayed
even more and wanted desperately to move on and find out what else the Lord had
in store for me. Unfortunately that was
not all He had in store for me with that particular pregnancy. After an emotional week of Dr visits,
medications, the ER and finally a D&C, we left for Disneyland. While there, I received news that what I had
was called a molar pregnancy. It was a
very complicated, very rare and potentially very dangerous form of
pregnancy. After several weeks of appointments
and blood tests it was clear my HCG numbers were not going to fall on their own
and they needed some help…with chemotherapy.
I never thought that I would have to even consider that word in my 20’s,
but there I was waiting every Monday at the infusion center for my weekly chemo
injections. I know now and I knew then that
it could have been SO much worse and the Lord really spared me from SO much
more, but walking through a valley like that was tiring and emotional. Not only did I lose a pregnancy which we were
very excited about but now we were fighting for my health. After 9 weeks of treatment my numbers were
normal. It had been 5 moths of
appointments, tests and feeling sick and tired but I was done! I was healthy and ready to move on. I continue to thank the Lord that it was in
His plan to heal my body and mend my spirit.
But now what?
The dr said my risk of another molar pregnancy was low but
would still probably have all the preeclampsia risks I had before. But after such a scary road the Lord had
spoken CLEARLY to me and to Clint that I was done having babies. Emotionally and physically the Lord had made
it clear that was not in His plan for us.
I felt an indescribable peace that I didn’t understand. I knew that the Lord had given me two
immeasurably amazing children to love and protect here on earth and I was never
promised such a thing. In the Bible there
were women who were promised a child and the Lord faithfully provided…I was
never promised any children, and yet he entrusted me with two of His that I
could never thank Him enough for. And
yet I didn’t feel done. Even with the
peace that surpassed my understanding, the desire for another child never wavered.
What about adoption?
Clint and I had discussed adoption before and neither of us was closed
to it. I had grown up with adoption in
my family and never thought twice about it being out of the ordinary. A friend of mine so wisely said it her blog The Road to Our +1, “I was raised knowing that babies come to parents in
different ways, but are loved the same. “
It was finally the point in my life, in our marriage and in our family
that we had to make a choice. After two
healthy babies and a health scare trying to have one more, is adoption the road
the Lord wants for us? Is this desire
for more children a pull toward growing our family in another way? Does the Lord want us to adopt a child? I have always felt as though I could love
another child just as wholly and honestly as I love my two now, but what about
Clint? I asked him to consider and
genuinely pray about it and he feels like he could do the same. We spoke to
friends of ours who have adopted and got a feel for the good the bad and the
ugly, so to speak. We have spoken with
close friends and parents and everyone seems very open and positive. So here we are…adopting. We are about a month into what could
potentially be a very lengthy process but so far we are encouraged and blessed
by the experience. I’m not naïve enough
to think the road will be paved in gold and lined with roses. The reality is we may get tracked through the
mud and guided over creaky bridges on our road to adding to our family, but we
feel it is the road the Lord has clearly led us to…so here we go. Eyes skyward, arms open and hearts ready to
welcome the exact child He has waiting just for us. It will not be an easy journey but we know our
next child will be worth it!
